The Jersey Whore

Meet Sharron Angle. Normally she doesn’t look like Gollum, but I wanted you to already have a negative impression of her before I said anything. Ready? Good.

So this is Sharron. She is running against Harry Reid for a Nevadan Senate seat – see Sharon run! And although Harry Reid is somewhat incompetent, he is a genius when compared to this crazy cat. For example, she wants to abolish the U.S. Department of Education. She also tried to pass a law that would require doctors to inform women seeking abortions about the increased possibility of breast cancer that an abortion would cause. Unless my knowledge of female anatomy is completely wrong, I don’t believe this is true. Most importantly though, Angle is a Tea Parter. That explains everything, right? I would call her mentally challenged, but that would be an insult to people with real problems.

(Note – I have sources for all my cited facts, but I would much rather you seek them yourselves than allow this woman any more publicity)

However, none of this is why I am writing about Sharon today (but seriously, what the fuck is wrong with this fool?). The reason she belongs in a discussion of racism is this headline, courtesy of creepy Grandpa-looking mofucka Bill Roberts and the legendary reporting of the Pahrump Valley Times:

Angle strove religiously against black jerseys

Uh…what (rubbing eyes)??

According to the article, in 1992 Angle (running for a school board position) argued that allowing Tonopah High School to change their jersey colors to black would be wrong. And while most people agreed with her on the basis of altering tradition, her reasons were a little, ahem, different. While not quoted word for word, Roberts recalls Angle comparing the color black to the devil, evil and sacrilege. Naturally, fear-mongering won and the black jerseys were banned. Hooray for hate disguised as religion!

Granted, Angle’s reasoning is probably based off of her spirituality (Scientology?). But why can’t her thinking be extended to race? Black Friday, blackmail, black market – who knew that a language could be racist? And yet, this is the way English is. We have become so accustomed to hearing prejudiced and hateful words and phrases on a daily basis that we don’t even react anymore. Case in point? Gigli. Did you blink? No?! YOU ARE A MONSTER!!

So although I can’t say with certainty that Sharron Angle is racist, I believe that her “faith-based reasoning” is as subliminally racist as Seinfeld – sorry to rat you out Jerry, but I can never forgive you for The Marriage Ref. And it doesn’t help that Angle surrounds herself with Tea Partiers, not known to be the most diverse or accepting entourage. Plus, I certainly do not expect her to wander into Brooklyn or Chicago anytime soon, considering how busy she is with her new line of anti-global warming activewear:

Ohhhh, yaburnt!

a) That man is not dressed appropriately for the NYSE!

b) Ah! How did he get past security?! Don’t make eye contact!

c) Remember when Sylvester Stallone didn’t look like the kid from Mask? 

If you answered “a,” then you probably wanted to answer “b” but didn’t want to be judged, no? Well, too late – I hereby proclaim you a racist. Why would an accomplished actor like Terry Crews not be invited to attend the opening bell at the NYSE, and then disrobe at will?? Do you not think he’s worthy, huh? Huh? HUH?! Shame on you!

(*If you answered “c,” then you know where I’m coming from, riiiiiight?)

The truth is, you are probably not a racist, so sorry for my outburst earlier. I’ve been a little on edge lately – I may be white, but I’m still Jewish, and there are a lot of batshit crazy people out there. People who would like to see the world as if it were an episode of the fictional television show Pleasantville. And strangely enough, these people are becoming more powerful and (like their ideas) more ridiculous. FOR EXAMPLEEEEEEE…

Barack Obama – Sleeper Cell?!

Remember when people used to joke that Barack Obama was a Muslim? That was so funny, because it was so ridiculous! And then when people thought the story was real, it was fun to make fun of them too, right? And then when those people overstayed their welcome, things got weird.

According to a recent survey from the Pew Institute, 18 percent of polled Americans incorrectly believe that President Obama is a Muslim – up from 11 percent when he was inaugurated. 

Obviously, there is nothing wrong with being a Muslim. So why do you have a image of September 11 in your head right now? Because of people/demons like Orly Taitz, always trying to fuck up Obama’s game. For those avid readers (hi, Dad!) of my blog, you may remember that I name-checked Orly “Thinks Poorly” Taitz in my roundup of kick-ass women. I said it there, and I’ll say it again – the women is INSANE. Like, crazier than Paula Abdul and Courtney Love’s Twitter combined with Brendan Fraser’s clap-thing. How can I make such a grandiose statement abut Taitz? After the Supreme Court ruled that her case regarding Obama’s citizenship was frivolous and a waste of resources, Taitz vowed to appeal, the ruling, revealing that she has new evidence proving her case. Frankly, at this point any new evidence that Taitz has is as interesting to me as deleted scenes on a Twilight DVD – when will she just go away? As if that wasn’t bad enough, she’s Jewish, so that just set our people back 50 years in social acceptance.

PS – when I read about the Pew Institute, I can only picture this:

I know, I’m a serious journalist.

Loosen those belts, cut yourself out of that girdle (or mirdle!) and throw away that Shake Weight – obesity has finally won!!!!!1!!!!!111!!111! 

“Austin,” you may be asking, “how can you make such a radical statement with so much confidence? Also, how do you stay in such good shape?” Well for starters, I eat a regular diet of lead-based products, but that’s another story. The reason I am so sure that being healthy has finally been vanquished can be summarized in a single phrase: Pop-Tarts store in Times Square.

That’s right, from the same neighborhood that brought you M&M’s World and King Kong’s death comes Pop-Tarts World (or how I learned to stop worrying and love clogged arteries), the place where all your breakfast pastry dreams can come true. And forget what you thought you knew about Pop-Tarts, because this aint part of yo mama’s balanced breakfast. At Pop-Tart’s World, try such delicacies as:

• Pop-Tarts “Fluffer Butter”: marshmallow spread between two Pop-Tarts frosted fudge pastries.
• “Ants on a Log” (Pop-Tarts-edition): celery, peanut butter and chunks of Wild Grape-flavored Pop Tarts

And, my personal favorite-

• Pop-Tarts “Sushi”: hree kinds of Pop-Tarts minced and then wrapped in a fruit roll-up.

Mmmm…childhood obesity and juvenile diabetes!

Of course, one store alone is not enough to signify the start of the Age of Gluttony. Thankfully, this week also welcomes the release of the film adaptation of Eat, Pray, Love, which I haven’t read but I assume is about a woman who worships and then fucks various phallic-shaped foods. And don’t let those filmmakers fool you – here is the poster for the film,

but here is what Julia Roberts actually looked like during filming:

See? Fat is where it’s at! Even Jared finally gave up and gave in, and he was the most obnoxious one of all those healthy douchebags.

Of course, you may still see those obnoxious neighbors and friends who struggle to wake up every day and exercise, and then break their banks buying all organic meat and free-range carrots. In actuality, it is just easier to be less healthy. And if being overweight is bad, then why would God let people like this exist? And why would he let KFC serve this?

Think about it, America. And while you’re at it, munch on some food for thought.

*Author’s note – this all could also be completely wrong and harmful for your health, I’m not a doctor or anything.

So, Rihanna is…pro-spousal abuse?

Phew!

Finally, a message about domestic violence that we all can get behind.

But seriously – what is the point of this video? There seem to be a lot of metaphors at play, and clearly they are lost on me. Granted, I also am still looking for the deeper meaning in that obnoxious Justin Bieber video, but it seems like all he really wants is a baby, presumably to eat. Good thing he’s at Citywalk!

But I digress. “Love the way you Lie” raises a couple moralistic question for me, but for the most part just confuses me. For example, what does the fire symbolize?

Is it the abuse?

If so, why does Megan Fox’s character control the fire?

Is she abusing Charlie from Lost, or is she some sort of fire demon?

And with all that fire, should Eminem really be standing in a field of flammable grass?

Personally, the whole situation seems like a scheme for Eminem and Rihanna/Dominic and Megan to collect the insurance money on the house. And when Dominic refused to share, Megan used her powers from Jennifer’s Body to kill him.

That seems to be the most logical explanation.

Final thought: Sex with Rihanna seems terrifying. She looks like she could kick my ass, and I would not be surprised if she developed vagina dentata after the whole Chris Brown deal.

Granted, the song is for an upcoming movie in which Paltrow plays a rehabilitated former country star looking to get back in the saddle (it’s kind of like Crazy Heart meets The Wrestler, and by kinda like I mean exactly like), so it’s not totally out of left field – the song serves a purpose rather than to just remind us that Gwyneth Paltrow is better than us. Also, this is not the first time she has proven herself to be a talented musician – who could forget Paltrow’s 2000 Billboard Hot Adult Contemporary Chart #1 hit, a duet with Huey Lewis?

You forgot about it? Seriously?? 

Sadly though, as far as country music goes this song is actually pretty damn good. Maybe it’s because Paltrow is backed up by Tim McGraw and Patty Griffin (who could sing me the fucking Patriot Act and I would eagerly listen), or maybe it’s because…dare I say it, Paltrow is truly multi-talented. As if that weren’t enough, she’s also an accomplished rapper.

Don’t think this is an isolated incident, either: Unfortunately, there are tons of actors and public figures out there who are more than one-trick ponies. Fortunately, more often than not this is not the case and actors are just actors, and even then that title is a bit of a stretch. Here is a brief look at some of my personal favorite attempts by celebrities (both good and bad) to extend their 15 minutes of fame:

The Good

-Barry (Jack Black) gets it on, High Fidelity - 

Most people now know that Jack Black moonlights as 1/2 of the rock band Tenacious D with Dr. Robotnik lookalike Kyle Gass. However, in 2000 the obnoxiously overexposed Jack Black we know today was just a rising star. And when his band, Barry Jive and the Uptown 5, takes the stage at the end of High Fidelity (a great great great music film with a great great great cameo), the possibility of a trainwreck is very real. Fortunately, Black channels Marvin Gaye beautifully in his rendition of “Let’s Get it On,” and we are all just lucky audience members.

-Peyton Manning is the funnier brother, SNL - 

Many public figures who are not known for their senses of humor have tried their hand at conquering SNL. Most of them failed (I want that hour and a half of my life back, Michael Phelps!), but once in a blue moon someone knocks it out of the park. Hosting Saturday Night Live, four-time NFL MVP Peyton Manning proved that athletes can be funny, and that making kids feel bad about themselves never goes out of style!

The Bad

-John Ashcroft’s terrorist attack on our ears -

Former U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft has made a lot of mistakes – a LOT. First, he wanted to cover up The Spirit of Justice’s chest, presumably to stop federal judges from jerking off so much. As if that wasn’t bad enough, he ardently supported the racist and wasteful War on Drugs, and was responsible for sending Tommy Chong yes, that Tommy Chong) to jail for nine months. However, arguably his worst decision was when he chose to let cameras into the room when he chose to drop his new single. The song, “Let the Eagle Soar,” is a national tragedy of 9/11 proportions. With a whole lot of William Shatner being channeled, a dash of awesome synthesizer and not a lot of talent, this disaster’s patriotism is completely overshadowed by how much it makes normal Americans want to join Al-Qaeda just to make it stop. Dick.

-Porn stars not doing porny things - 

In the same way that you don’t read Playboy for the articles, you don’t watch porn for the acting. Which is why it is so frustrating that porno studios keep trying to add more and more story and depth to their movies! Don’t they know that’s why god invented “fast-forward” and “mute?” Just like the Meryl Streeps and Tom Hanks’ before them, porn stars are just looking for acclaim and recognition. After all, there is no better way to make your parents proud than to bring home the Adult Video News award for “Best Group Sex Scene,” right? It just opens so many orifices – I mean opportunities. For examples of bad porn acting, click here. and here. And here. You get the idea (NSFW, unless you work as a porn star and are here for research on how to be a better porn star.)

The Ugly

There can truly only be one person who fails at every crossover attempt that they make. After all, even Mariah Carey overcame Glitter to be in Precious. So who is this hero of losers, the man who some may call “too big to fail?”

That’s right – Shaquille-fucking-O’Neal. He may be a decent basketball player, but beyond that let’s explore.

Acting? FAIL.

Rapper? HA.

Husband? Terrible!

Point is, Shaq is just bad. But, like the subtle wit of Family Circus, he is so bad that he is good. this is what makes his godawful reality show, Shaq vs., so great. In it, O’Neal competes with famous athletes in their own sports. And you know he is going lose, but you just gotta root for the little guy each time, hoping that maybe he will finally learn his lesson. Like every bad idea, the show was renewed, and so we can all rest easy knowing that even as Congress takes its August recess, there will be no shortage of morons on TV.

Comments? Suggestions? Keep them to yourself.

Promise you will remain calm?

I got an e-mail from Michelle Obama herself.

(Email blocked out for privacy – I know she’d do the same for me!)

Not only did I get an e-mail from the First Lady, but she asked ME to sign President Obama’s birthday card – clearly a fan of my blog.

Naturally, I said yes – who would pass up such an opportunity? 

So, I added my hopeful note to the card. Now, I’m picturing it being transcribed onto a standard Hallmark card, with space reserved for a select few – you know, me, Michelle, Joe Biden, etc…

But imagine my surprise when I press submit:

Hitting me up for money for your own birthday? Real classy, B.O. Was my gift certificate to Olive Garden not a good enough gift? I even sprung for a singing card and everything.

But, I figured that since I was on the VIP list, a donation wouldn’t hurt, right?

And then…I…saw…this… (italicized for dramatic effect)

Barack Obama’s Birthday Card: Michelle Asks Supporters To Sign

So, this is all I am to the family that I single-handedly put into the White House…I voted as a Democrat in California of all places, bucking the trend and defying the odds. They owe me – a goddamn birthday party invitation is the least I deserve. And I could go if I wanted…for $30,000. Barack, this is a recession – I don’t have that kind of money, foo! I’m still paying the down payment on my blinged out iPad:

If I were President Obama, I would be a little bit less elitist on my birthday – after all, this year has been pretty fucking shitty PR year for him. He has passed several historic pieces of legislation that should seal his place in history books, and all anyone really cares about is whether he is actually American, as if no one would have checked that before he even decided to run for the Senate, let alone the POTUS. 

Before I go off on a politically-charged rant and referential humor starts hitting the fan, all I will say is that the President missed out on a fun party guest when he burned me. 

Look at me – I’m the life of the party!

Listen, I read the message boards – I know what happens at those crazy White House orgies. I would have even helped clean up after the Nancy Pelosi bukkake session (don’t lie – I know where that gavel has been)…but nooo…failure on your part. 

So, go have fun with your fucking close friends that bought your friendship and your cliquey family – I will be here, waiting for my apology. You may not pick up the phone at 3am, but I will.

With anger and bitterness but also respect at how awesome it is that you were elected in a history-making election and have since helped steer the US out of the largest freefall in recent memory blah blah blah,

Austin

Sorry I’m not Kevin Arnold, but I’m a teenager enjoying myself – I do go to the number 8 party school in America, after all.

Of course I love my family, I love my dog, I love some of my friends…hell, I’ll even say that I love Breaking Bad, one of the finest shows on television. But the love that people talk about in songs – the kind that drove Van Gough to chop off his fucking ear – is a foreign subject to me. Which is why this video elicits a patented 360-degree eye roll from me. Granted I am only 20, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t be skeptical!! (fist shake)

For those of you with a very short attention span or a lack of compassion for sweet Youtube videos, here’s an alternative and here’s a brief synopsis of the vid, courtesy of Neatorama:

Jack and Betty were high school sweethearts who went their separate ways 62 years ago. He ended up in California; she lived in Virginia. They reconnected by internet, and Jack traveled to meet Betty again. 

First of all, my initial reaction:

1. The woman couldn’t wait longer than 2 months after Jack left to get remarried? Skank.

2. Is it really such a bright idea for an old man to fly across the country to visit a woman that he met on the internet? Has he not seen Hard Candy? Where is his family? 

3. Can they even-ahem-”have a good time” when they can’t even walk? For some reason, this is what I see when I picture them getting intimate:

(Maybe because I don’t want to picture the real thing?)

Hopefully I’ll be in love someday. But I’ve seen Moulin Rouge – I know that when you fall in love you get tuberculosis and die! Or does that not always happen? Well, these two are old, I guess it won’t matter for them. 

Like I said, I’m not Kevin Arnold. But hopefully someday I will find my Winnie Cooper. The question is, will it happen when I’m too drunk to get an erection, or just too old? Hopefully somewhere in between.

The point is, this video that’s supposed to make me say “aww” just makes me depressed. I’ll probably get it as a forward from my grandma in a few months. Thoughts from the reader?

“Your heart is my pinata” – Chuck Palahniuk

In an editorial from Sunday’s LA TImes, Television Critic Robert Lloyd discusses the recent Supreme Court ruling that found the FCC’s definition of indecency “unconstitutionally vague,” especially in relation to punishing the use of accidental expletives on live TV. Questioning how this will effect the quality of TV from now on, Lloyd writes: 

If we should not discriminate between art and garbage when applying the 1st Amendment, we should nevertheless remain mindful of the difference between the two, and remember that the defense of the former is routinely used as a cover for the latter. There is art in television, but there are a lot of cheap effects too. Material represented as “adult” is often better described as juvenile.

Penis jokes abound. Sex, or the lack of sex, seems to be what everyone — scripted and unscripted characters alike — thinks about and talks about whenever they are not solving crimes or saving lives or working in public relations, and sometimes while they are. Even in the milder reaches of broadcast TV you regularly hear words that writers at this paper are forbidden by policy to use.

Now, I don’t want to paint myself as a crusader for free speech who is personally effected by this court ruling. But, I’ve always considered myself a…crusader (for lack of a better term) for free speech, and this court ruling really effects me personally.

First of all, I tend to use the word “fuck” a lot. A LOT. I use it to measure my anger, to describe how happy I am, to order food at In-N-Out, you name it – in my mind, “fuck” is the perfect word. And I am almost always under constant attack from critics. And by critics, I mean my grandma:

Aside from my fuck-enriched vocabulary, I also am a firm believer in the idea that it can never be “too soon” for a joke. So, when I make a joke about playing Hide and Seek with Anne Frank and Natalee Holloway, I do it out of love, not hate. I know that laughter is the best medicine (aside from actual medicine), and I live my life as such – kind of like Patch Adams, but actually funny. And I’m sure that I’ve offended plenty of people with my humor, but they should know by now what to expect with me.

In my opinion, this is how indecency should be viewed on television. When you watch an awards show (like the kind that the FCC case was dealing with), you should know what you are going to get – drunk, excited celebrities. And when you watch primetime broadcast television, you aren’t going to be watching The Brady Bunch anymore. You may not be seeing or hearing sex, but you’re always hearing about it, implied or explicitly. 

So, next time you take your kids to see Dinner for Schmucks (which is just a fucking terrible movie), think about what a schmuck is. Or when your kids are watching The Little Mermaid and they notice a giant cock on the DVD case (or tape case if you are reading this from 1995), what will you do? 

Call me crazy, call me a dreamer, whatever – but I have a dream that one day, families can gather around the television after a long day of work and school and watch thatannoying piece of shit kid from Two and a Half Men inject black tar heroin into his veins while his dad beats him with a belt for being such a dumbass. And while we aren’t there yet, this Supreme Court decision takes us one step closer.

Perhaps it is finally time for television to adjust the audience, rather than the other way around.

If a politician makes a good point on C-SPAN and no one is watching, does it really mean anything? Probably not. But, this video of New York Congressman Anthony Weiner verbally raping House Republicans for voting against a bill that would have provided 9/11 workers with free healthcare only because Democrats used a special procedure to block amendments to the bill so Republicans – hey! Don’t even think about closing this window!! I said 9/11, as in that 9/11 – are you a terrorist or something?? No? Then keep reading.

Anyways, the video is good, and Rep. Weiner seems genuinely enraged. However, critics are arguing that Weiner is just trying to position himself to run against Michael Bloomberg for king of Jewtown – I mean, mayor of New York City. Rep. Weiner stands by the honesty of his words, contending that he was mad at Republican tactics and he genuinely feels compassion for 9/11 workers (yeah right!). 

Personally, I wish Rep. Weiner luck running for mayor if he chooses to do so. However, he should know that Mo’Nique is running too – and she practically disappears into her role as the angry politician. Give the guy a People’s Choice Award or something, and leave politics to the qualified.

Well, this is it.

Mark Thursday July 29 2010 on your calendars, because you are going to want to remember it for a long time.

Why?

Because with the release of the so bad it’s unbelievable Yogi Bear trailer today, Hollywood has clearly run out of good ideas. “What makes you say that?” You may ask. First of all, if you ask that and truly are skeptical you are an idiot and should go kill yourself. But, to quote the narrator from the last original TV idea ever made, “The facts are these…”

1. Alvin and the Chipmunks was bad, but made a shit-ton of money and was even deemed worthy of a sequel, which did JUST AS WELL. A third Chipmunks movie is due out in December of 2011, in 3-D of course. All business aside, that is three movies based off of a singing group of rodents. Three.
2. In terms of sequels, Summer 2010 saw the release of Shrek 4, Twilight 3, and Iron Man/Sex and the City 2. There is even a sequel to Cats & Dogs releasing this friday. Number in title or not, don’t think we’ve forgotten that shit you released nine years later, Warner Bros. Next fall, there is even a Puss in Boots movie coming to theaters, but you may as well call it what it is – Shrek 5.
3. Where there weren’t sequels this summer, there were remakes and reboots. From The Last Airbender to Avatar (not the one that was a remake of Pocohontas, but the one that was a cartoon on Nickelodeon) and The A-Team, originality is a precious commodity. For every Inception there was a Jonah Hex - yes, even the bombs were remakes. Speaking of which, whoever ordered the Marmaduke movie deserves to be sent to a death camp. No one even reads the freaking comic strip, let alone would see the movie, dumbass.
4. Worst of all, next year is shaping up to be no better. The next installment in the Narnia series, The Hangover 2 and Scream 4 (I thought we had sent you to a death camp, unnecessary movie maker!!) are all on the horizon, and there is nowhere to hide. Well, maybe in the theater where The Smurfs is playing – no one will be in there.

At this point, what preexisting properties are really left for Hollywood to exploit to death? 

Steve Buscemi?

Trinidad and Tobago?

The board game Battleship?

Niobium?

You may laugh, but one day, you are going to see a movie poster for one of these and you will – oh, hang on, my phone is ringing. What’s that? Oh? Ok. I’ve just received some news. I can day unhappily now. I’ll see you at the premiere of Schindler’s List 2 in 3-D. You laugh, but wait and see…just wait and see.

PS – Dan Aykroyd as the voice of Yogi Bear? Way to be contemporary, Warner Bros.